It is easy to look at a relationship from the outside and see the obvious choices, but when you are the one in the relationship it is not so clear at times. All the moments you shared bounce around in your brain like a steel ball in a pinball machine. The bells ring, the lights flash, and most of the time the ball is out of your control. You shake the machine in a last ditch effort to save the ball and then the Tilt light flashes and the game is over. You Lost! Now the decision to put another quarter in is yours, and It is hard to talk yourself out of putting another quarter in the machine. Especially when you had a good game going and you can still see a chance to win. The reality is you may just keep putting quarters in and never win. But the chance keeps us feeding the quarters.

People will tell you that the most important thing is to do what is going to make you happy! You have to live your life for you! But what if what makes you happy is what you are giving up?  How do you reason yourself into that? Nobody wants to do something that is going to suck!  If you are truly going to move on though you have to let go of the past in order to have a future right? But what if the past won’t go away? What if the past keeps luring you back in?

 I am very bad at letting go and it has never been my strong point for sure.  I hate to make decisions when emotions are involved and I am told it is a bad thing because it clouds reality. I try to see past the buzz. Seeing past the buzz is something you hear in Alcoholics Anonymous. The Idea is to think past the drinking and try to look at the outcome it will produce. For instance if you go to the bar  to get drunk, think past it. How am I going to get home?  If I drive what could happen? Do I really want a hangover? Do I want to go to Jail? Will this cause me pain or pleasure? If I look past the buzz am I going to like the outcome? Will it produce the outcome I am looking for?

Much of the time we are uncertain of the outcome. We have a choice! We can deal with the uncertainty and accept the outcome whatever it is!  Or we can try to head off the bad outcome at the pass. Then our brain asks “what if!”  What if the outcome is not bad, what if things work out the way I want them to. Therein lays the problem. I am stuck on the “what if’s.” Most of us are. Someone close to me used to talk about the, what if’s and I thought she was insane. Now I think I know what she was talking about. What if I let go what does that mean? What if I tell her goodbye what will she do?  Hell what will I do? I know what my decision is already and it may not be the correct one but I have made it. The what if is keeping me here and I will have to accept the outcome whatever it is. Don’t be surprised if it don’t end up the way you wanted though. There is a high likelihood that it won’t.

She has said to me that she loves me and still does.  She has said I have everything she would want in a relationship. One message comes through very clear at times and it is this. “I love you very much and if you give me the time I need to work through this, I will make room in my life for you” The other message says “I am not sure I have room in my life for you or that I want you in it!”  At least not in the romantic sense of the word! The funny thing is every time we are not in each other’s life we are miserable. When we are together she pushes me away.  Each event makes it harder and harder to relate and the lack of a relationship in our relationship has damaged things substantially. It has made me feel unwanted and like I have been taken pity upon instead of loved.

Say it isn’t so! This can’t be true! I have put my heart and soul into someone I believed in  and I have loved her with everything in me. But now it seems to be over and this time she says it is different. This is not our first trip down breakup lane, but it hurts no less. My eyes hurt from all the crying I have done! Call me a pussy, say what you will but nobody is above a tear when it comes to the matters of the heart. 

She made a decision for me that is presumably in my best interest and she refuses to cause me anymore pain. She is doing this for me she says and I don’t know what is good for me. I got the age old “It’s not you it’s me!”  If I had a dollar for every time I head that I would be a millionaire. Our relationship is complicated at best and many of the complications are things that have nothing to do with me and her. They have to do with her situation and where she is in life.  

Maybe she fell out of love, maybe she was never in love, or maybe she just wants something else that is not me! Hell I don’t know what she wants! But I do know there were many things in the way of us ever getting a fair chance to be. We never got to try the normal dating thing for reasons that are hard to explain, and who knows if that chance will every come. I am starting to think maybe I am just not the one she wants, but she won’t say it.

I made a text book mistake that I hope I never make again and I think it may be the real reason she feels the way she does or at least a big factor.  Try this! Have someone hold their hands out in front of them and grab their hands and pull. The result is they pull back or resist. The mistake I believe I have made is I pushed her to behave the way I wanted her to, and she was not ready. The reaction to my push is her resisting me and walking away.

She is in a tricky situation that is all hers not mine. I tried to own it for her though. I wanted to fix it make it not true and control the situation. The problem is that it was not mine to control. I have no emotional investment in it and I also have no business trying to control it. Yet try I did.

I still feel like we are not done yet. Maybe I am setting myself up for disappointment but maybe not. Maybe she just needs to be in the right place. I hope so but only time will tell. For now we have agreed to keep in touch and not set any expectations or rules around our relationship. The big difference here is I am not allowed to have expectations of her. Yet I still do and I will be hurt when they are not met. It would be a lie if I said that was not true. But putting my expectations in the right bucket is what I believe will make the difference. I can’t push or pull anymore, and I have to accept the situation for what it is. “Very Complicated” Wish me luck! I’m gonna need it.

Forgetting them is difficult yes, but letting them go is very possible. I have only had three relationships that I would classify as serious in my life. One was my X-Wife, the second was my X-Fiancé, and third is my current endeavor. I cared deeply for each of them, and all held a place in my heart at one time or another, but neither of the X’s have a place anymore. Both ended tragically and left me feeling like someone had dropped a deuce in my mouth while I was sleeping. Everyone could see what was going on except me, and it left a shitty taste in my mouth.

I have for sure not forgotten either of them or the things we shared both good and bad, but those things have become remote and they almost seem like they never really happened now. I don’t feel disconcerted anymore, nor do I feel blissful. I know they did happen and I have not forgotten that. I mean who the hell could forget their fiancé sleeping with the baseball coach. I have let them go though and I forgive them as well. I did however learn something from each. For instance! I now know you should never trust the baseball coach because the most important thing to him is scoring a Home Run!

I will not say I don’t care for them anymore because I do, but love would be a very bold word to use. The love I had for them morphed into something else that I have a hard time describing. When we were together they were like beautiful flowers. Now they are more like beautiful flowers with a dog turd next to them. No matter how beautiful the flowers are I can’t take my eyes off the dog shit! Given a second chance with either of them I don’t think I could love them the way I did prior. Who they were when we were together is gone and they are someone else now. Still good people but changed and not the people I loved and cared for so deeply. I care what happens to them, but I would not describe it as love. I remember who they were but now they feel more like someone I never met.

They have been replaced with the person I am with now. I believe in her and trust her, but I struggle with it every day. When you have been the victim of lies and deceit so many times it is hard to trust again. She deserves my trust though and I want to give it to her. She is my beautiful flower now and there are no dog turds yet, so I will give it to her. I hope with all my heart that she will continue to be the person I love and not change into something else. Before I met her she was someone I had never met.

So don’t try to forget the person you love, instead let them go and try to love someone you have never met!

I am a self evaluator by nature so I have always been pretty hard on myself. I think everyone should take some time to evaluate themselves and try to be a better person. In my opinion I think the reason most of us do scandalous things is because deep down, we want to! Even if we look back and say, that was really fucked up! We still made a conscience choice to do it.

I have a few skeletons in my closet that I would rather just bury and move on, but because of those things I think I am a better person.  There is no doubt we are all a little intrigued with the dark side of life, and we are often tempted to cross that line.

For example: Have you ever had an opportunity to cheat on your partner with someone you were really attracted to, but you turned it down? I have!  Did you turn it down because you have such high morale fiber you just couldn’t ethically be ok with yourself if you done it? That is what I told myself while turning down an opportunity to be with someone I secretly adored for years. Looking back I made a good choice and it was the honest thing to do. I am glad I made the choice I made, but was my desire to be a good person really the reason I didn’t do it? I don’t want to seem disingenuous but, I am not so sure! What if you knew without a doubt that nobody would ever find out? Would you still make the same choice? If your answer is yes, you are truly a rock.

My personal opinion is that most of us would make the more ethical choice for fear of being busted, not our insatiable desire to do the right thing. I believe consequence, fear of God, and others opinions of our actions drive many behaviors.

2006 has been a particularly difficult year for me, but during all of it I always tried to take the high road and be the better person. I often wonder why though! Does anyone appreciate it, or care? Well even if they don’t at least I have a clear conscience. I think that is more important to me than being recognized for it, and no matter how people behave towards me I will continue to try and do the respectable thing whatever the reason.

Patients - Enduring pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance with calmness.

Virtue - Conformity of one’s life and conduct to moral and ethical principles.  

Virtue is not a problem if you truly are a moral ethical person, but Patients is a bitch sometimes!  It is hard to be calm about things that are causing you pain, or difficulty.  Those things leach deep down inside you and tear you apart if you let them. You feel them deep down in your gut and they can cause you real physical pain. Handling those things with calmness is a trick. They say deep breathing helps. Yeah right! What seems to get me through is my confidence in a favorable outcome and an overpowering need to see things through no matter what the cost. Sometimes the cost is monetary, other times it emotional, but every once in awhile there is a rewarded and the only cost was time. If you don’t see it through you risk never reaping the rewards of your hard work. In all likelihood you will wish you had been more patent.

With patients often comes forgiveness. Forgiveness of those who have caused us pain, difficulty or annoyance, and redefining our thoughts and beliefs in a way that stimulates a positive outlook on the situation or at least makes it manageable in our mind.  Forgiving does not mean you have to forget, but you can accept it and move forward. I believe most people do not have ill intent in mind when they hurt us or cause us pain. Granted some people are just mean bastards that enjoy inflicting pain and suffering on others, but most of the time that is not the case. I think most of us would rather live our life without causing pain or difficulty for anyone including ourselves! Sadly that is just not possible. Pain is an unlucky part of life and all of us could use less of it. I think how we choose to deal with it is what makes the differentiation.

Example: Let’s say you get stiffed for some money by a family member. You will forgive them, but in all likelihood you will never forget. The next time they ask for money you may choose to say no or be a little more cautious.

I have forgiven much in my life, but I have not forgotten anything. I have moved past the things that have caused me pain and difficulty, but I have not forgotten that they are true. I continue to attempt to be patient everyday no matter the cost, and I try greet each day with a forgiving spirit. If I am patient maybe there will be a reward waiting at the end. If not I will forgive, but I will never forget, and continue to conform my life to my own moral and ethical principles.

“We are all having a crisis, just getting over a crisis, or heading for a crisis!”- Andy Andrews.

I watched a video the other day called the 7 decisions by Andy Andrews.  I would like share them and my thoughts on them as well.

The Buck Stops Here

Andy makes the argument that you are responsible for where you are. So if you are happy, sad, or other it is a result of your decisions and response to situations that got you there.  Nobody is responsible but you! Some people blame others for their current state. Every situation you are faced with requires a response from you. The way you choose to respond to a situation determines the outcome. Just because someone offers you a shit sandwich does not mean you have to eat it. If you don’t accept the sandwich it still belongs to the person offering it to you.

I Will Seek Wisdom

In the book the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Dr Stephen R Covey refers to this as Sharpen the Saw. They both encourage you to seek wisdom, and learn more. Both suggest that you read more, listen to audio books, and surround yourself with people you want to be like. A Board of Directors for your life so to speak! “Your Best Thinking got you here and your Best Thinking won’t get you out!”- Andy Andrews.   The example Dr. Covey gives is this. You see a man sawing a tree down and he is working really hard and it appears to be very difficult. You say to him “Why don’t you Sharpen the Saw?” His response is “I am too busy cutting down the tree to sharpen the saw dummy!” We all have busy lives and it sometimes seems as if there is not time or space in our life for learning new things. The fact of the matter is we make time for things that are important to us. Andy suggests that you don’t have to sit down with a pen and paper and memorize things. Simply put a cd in your car or listen to it at home and let it be background to the other things you are doing. The example he gives is Gilligan’s Island. Most of us can sing the song and know the words by heart. None of us sat there with a pen and paper and said “I am going to learn the words to Gilligan’s Island damn it.” We just know it. If we don’t continue to improve we become stagnant and we will not move forward. Self improvement makes you feel better, look at life different, and sets u up for success.

Today I Choose to Be Happy

This one is challenged by many and there response is you can’t just snap your fingers and BE happy. Andy agrees that you can’t do that, but you can choose to be grateful for the things you have.  Many of us focus on the things we can’t control and let them dictate our mood and happiness. Is the worry we invest really worth it? Worry never got anyone anyplace. No matter how much I worry about money, no matter how much I worry about my relationship, no matter how much I worry about my job, I can’t impact the outcome with worry! If anything I damage the outcome.  Action impacts outcome, decisions impact outcome! You can decide to worry or you can decide to focus your attention on things you can control and be grateful for the things you do have.   Here are some examples in my life. I don’t see my girlfriend much lately because she is going through something difficult and her attention is not on me right now, but I am grateful that she is still in my life. My job is not going the way I would like it to go and there have been many changes in my company, however I am grateful that I have the job and it is a good job by anyone’s standard.  A family member has emotional, and addiction problems, but I am grateful she is still around and has not given up. Today I Will Choose to Be Happy!

I Will Greet Each Day with a Forgiving Spirit

Starting each day with a clean slate is important. A similar example I heard of was called Draining the Bathtub.  Each day your bathtub is filled many things both good and bad. It is filled with things that are in our control, and out of our control.  Those things cannot be changed, they have already happened. So the Idea is to once a day you drain the bathtub and make room for new things. Greet each day with a forgiving spirit! I can recall days when I was so pissed at my boss and frankly I wanted to choke the life out of him. That anger had its place, but its place was in the moment not today.  When he walked into my office the following day I greeted him with a forgiving spirit. What happened is for sure not forgotten, but it is forgiven. I have a choice to continue to work with him or I can work against him. Working against him will get me no place. Working with him may take us to a common place. Throwing stones at him for his behavior will not accomplish anything. I Will Greet Each Day With A Forgiving Spirit.

I Will Persist Without Exception

The important part of this decision is “Without Exception”. We all persist to some degree but the world around us encourages quitting as long as we persisted. People will tell you that you have done everything you can, at least you tried, and they will give you permission to give up.  The example Andy give is a business man making the claim that they have tried everything and maybe it is just time to call it and give up. The man claimed that there were no more options and they had tried everything. Andy asked him “Well if there was something you could do what would it be, I know you have tried everything but what if there was something you could do what would it be?” The man proceeded to lay out a solution to the problem, and Andy said “Well do that!”  We often paint ourselves into a corner and cause ourselves to run out of options, but there is always a solution to every situation. We may not like the solution but it there is a solution.  Someone once told me to find solutions not problems.

I am a Person of Action

Wow take action that is a novel approach. If we just sit here what is going to happen? Nothing is the answer. A lot of people let things happen to them rather than causing things to happen. God knows I am guilty of doing that on occasion. Have you ever been around someone who bitches about everything and would do things different if it were them but offers no solutions nor are they willing to take action. They just want to say it and for someone else to do something about it. Others don’t say a word, or do anything they just follow the leader and take whatever comes their way.  Taking action is the only way you can control the outcome. You have to have decide what outcome you want though because every decision thereafter will be driven by that.  I heard this example used before and I likely quoted it before. I don’t remember who said it. You would not get on an airplane without knowing your destination, so why would you live life without a plan or a direction. Even having a plan or a desired outcome won’t help you if you don’t act though. You have to do something and nobody can do it for you.

I will have a Decided Heart

Number 7 is actually number 3 but Andy saved it for last so I thought I would too. Andy describes this as being the most important of all seven. Without this one none of the others are possible.  Your heart has to be in it. You have to be decided at heart about what is important to you.  Dr. Covey tells a story of a man that went from rags to riches. From a business standpoint he was a success. Even though he was financially successful his entire family was bankrupt. Lying on his death bed would people say he was a success? From a business standpoint some would say yes but in life most would say no. There was not a balance in his life between work, love, and play.  In my own life I would say I have a clear vision and I know the destination I want to reach, but I am I decided at heart about it? I am not so sure.

I would encourage anyone to watch the program or read Andy’s book. I can’t say it will change your life but it could, and if we truly followed the principals who knows.

Andy Andrews Link

Currently reading : The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People By Stephen R. Covey Release date: 09 November, 2004

 Current mood: contemplative

Sometimes life is complex and scary. It often feels like the world exists for the sole purpose of making us miserable. But I would like to think that everything that has happened and is still happening is a progression and an evolution of self. I think for some people evolution and growth is only possible through pain and suffering. Only through pain can some of us learn the precious life lessons and allow us to become who we are. Still, we are incapable of seeing the “big picture” and often the forest stays unseen because of our obsession with the trees.

We try very hard to avoid the negative things in life, often refuse to face them and thus exhaust their emotional charge. Instead we obstinately clutch to the pleasure, gratification, and satisfaction as long as possible. We want it to last forever, but this is simply not possible. A basic attribute of life is that things change and nothing is eternal. Nothing is unchangeable, but the change itself. You can resist it in avoidance of the negative or embrace it and seek fulfillment and self growth.

Some would say that modest improvement of an unacceptable situation is better than none, and it is enough, but I think it limits us not to achieve anything more.  We often are satisfied with short term improvement and for awhile and it makes us happy. If we take a look at it from Thirty Thousand Feet though, we can see that in short-term, temporary improvement there is no long-standing progress. Upsetting events can be avoided to some degree, and even negative emotions, but we can’t preserve ourselves in a promising state that nothing bad is ever going to happen, and that we will never feel pain. So if we can’t stop them what can we do? 

I think the only thing we can do is to let them be as they are, and even more important when they are. Feelings are not forgotten and we have plenty of storage in that black hole some of call a brain for all our experiences. They shape our current attitudes and beliefs about many things. I have often been surprised by my own attitudes and reactions and those attitudes and reactions were charged by my past experiences good and bad. The funny thing is that for me the emotions associated with those experiences have been left behind. There is not pain anymore and I am not afraid to recall them. Now I can use them as tools. Everyone needs more tools!

Ultimately, the life lessons embedded in the adversities are learnt at once. They come as enlightening moments, and insights that clear our vision of the world around us.

 Current mood: calm

I went to Michigan a few months ago to visit some family. While I was there I spent the night at my Great Grandmothers home. It is a modest home of two small bedrooms, and a tiny bathroom that you can hardly turn around in. I remember her telling me that she bought the home during the war so that would be sometime in the early 40′s I guess. Not a big lavish home, but it was hers and it has always been enough.

I currently live in a 3 bedroom, 3-1/2 bathroom home all by myself. When I bought it I remember thinking it was pretty small. In comparison to my Grandmother’s home it is a mansion. I want more though and I am not satisfied with it! I should be thankful I guess not everyone has their own home even if it is financed up the wazzu! I guess I am pretty lucky! The home itself really does not mean anything to me! It is just a building. I have no real memories in it, or things that give me any real attachment to it other than the mortgage!  A Home for me is a place that has the people I love in it.

I guess I have much in regards to material wealth, but do I really need it? Does it make me happy? In its own way it does. Is that what really makes me happy though? No not really! I think it causes me more stress than anything. I think If we worked as hard on the things that matter as we do to obtain material wealth we would all be much happier, and feel more self worth though.  Someone said to me just yesterday that to a certain person their home represented everything they had worked for their whole life. That person has some tricky things ahead of them. What if they had worked their whole life on other things, what would that represent? I can tell you this they would be much happier than they are being a home owner.

I have been told, and I also believe that it is about balance. Balance between, work, love, and play. Rich people with material wealth always say money don’t make you happy. I always thought well it sure the hell would ease the pain, but I am not so sure anymore.  I am not innocent though!  I am guilty of chasing material wealth and not giving adequate attention to the other facets of my life. I guess I just thought those things would happen on their own if I worked hard. Boy was I wrong! I still work hard and material wealth is still important to me, but find myself gagging for more of the other.  The things I have don’t mean shit if I don’t have people in my life to share it with. I have been happier with less, had people I loved around, and played more at times. I was much happier then! I think there are a few basic needs for all people and if you look around it is obvious. Love, Fun, and a sense of accomplishment!

We always start with Love! The source unhappiness for 90% of the people that are unhappy is the absence of love or loss of it. Just ask 5 of your friends that seem discontent with their life what they are looking for. I bet 4 of the 5 feel alone, want companionship and love. There are more songs with the word love in it than any other word in the English language. It must be on someone’s mind and be pretty important! Second is fun! Everyone wants to have fun and it is a common tone among people that are unhappy as well. Third is a sense of self accomplishment. Most people that are unhappy are stuck in a rut and feel like they are not making a difference. They want to do something great! Have ownership of something and recognition. Just my opinion feel free to challenge it.

My cup is not full yet, but I am working on it and in some ways my cup runneth over. I have a great home, good job, family that loves me, and a son I am proud of. The future looks bright, things are shaping up and maybe just maybe I will find balance among all the things I need if I keep trying.

Current mood: drained 

A friend of mine made reference to an episode of the bachelor the other day.  The bachelor was faced with a decision between two ladies and the host asked him, “What would fear decide, and what would love decide? “

I believe many of us would let fear make the decision for us. Fear of the unknown, fear of obstacles, fear of consequences, fear of change and self doubt.  What if we let love make the decision for us though? No doubt fear would rear its ugly head, but Think of the possibilities!

The love I believe in I think everyone recognizes! It hits you between the eyes like a two ton heavy thing and it cannot be mistaken. It is Acceptance, patients, trust, and a sweet desire between two people. It is realizing what your lover really looks like inside. It is doing everything you can to help each other build your dreams. Love is listening to one another, being reliable, never selfish, beautiful, and never attaches conditions. Genuine LOVE is always a free gift that you don’t have to make yourself give! You do it willingly and it just is.

Fear is something I am aware of but choose to use as a caution flag rather than a stop sign. The things we fear should not to be avoided only understood. What is the risk? Now how do I mitigate the risk and overcome the fear. I would not imply for a minute that we ignore fear!  The reason is I believe courage to do something we fear is not the absence of fear, but rather a verdict that something else is more important than the fear. Like love for instance. Fear is the prison of the heart!

“There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them.”

 Current mood: peaceful

I often find myself trying to find reasons why things are the way they are. Particularly when people are involved there are no answers or reasons sometimes, or least none adequate to give you peace of mind. I have heard a million times “that everything happens for a reason.” The other one that has been said to me is “God has a plan.” I remember thinking to myself, nice plan!  I think we need to fire the engineer and go back to the drawing board. When tragic things happen everyone asks why! Why did I get a Divorce, Why did they leave, why did they die, why don’t they love me, why did this happen to me, why can’t I just get a break? It goes on and on.    

I remember a man I worked with years ago that was a very religious man. A good man by anyone’s standard, with good values that cared about people! He was always concerned for my well being, and often asked me how I was doing.  He came to work one day and I could see that he was obviously off and something was wrong. I was consumed with my own problems at the time, as I was going through a divorce. At the time I felt like my world was coming to an end, and I was having a hard time dealing things.  I did not ask him if he was ok or what was wrong that day. He instead asked me, and talked to me for a long time about what I was going through.  After our conversation I really did feel much better and he put things into perspective for me.  He continued to follow up with me regularly and make sure I was still ok. Months passed and once again I noticed that he was a little off kind of seamed sad. This time I asked him “Are you ok?”

He proceeded to tell me that several months ago his 7 year old son was diagnosed with leukemia and death was certain. His son was hospitalized and weeks away from death. He sat on a white five gallon bucket and started to cry.  I remember thinking how selfish of me to burden this man with my problems when his were far worse. He had put his problems aside to help me through mine.  I started to tear up and sat down next to him. I was speechless and I did not know what to say to him! Out of my mouth spilled the words “Everything happens for a reason and God has a plan” Gulp! He paused his crying and looked at me for what seemed like eternity, then said, “There is no God!” “What kind of God does this to an innocent child?” Then the tears started to roll from my eyes, and I just put my hand on his shoulder. I did not say another word nor did he.

About an hour passed and we resumed work. We never spoke about it again. It occurred to me that there was really was no reason or none that would ease his pain.  It just was!  A few weeks later he left work without notice and I never heard from him or seen him again. I will never forget that day though and I often use it as a mark for how bad things really are in my life. No matter what the situation there is always someone who has it worse and is coping with it. Someone who cares more for others then themselves.

In my eyes everything does not happen for a reason sometimes it just happens. How we choose to deal with it is truly what matters.